things the signs hate the most

aries: when people make fun of their ideas
taurus: bad drivers
gemini: the public
cancer: when they aren’t getting attention
leo: when someone eats their food without asking
virgo: anything that breathes in their direction
libra: loud noises and children
scorpio: literally everything
sagittarius: being ignored
capricorn: when someone interrupts their sentence
aquarius: fake stuff. fake people. stuff. people
pisces: when someone is mad at them

The signs as tumblr insults

regretfully-hakuna-my-tatas:

Aries: Douche Canoe
Taurus: natural selection will come for you
Gemini: YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE WAS A WASTE OF PAPER
Cancer: you literal turd burger
Leo: I’ll kick your rocky road and then punch the ever loving strawberry cheesecake out of you
Virgo: YUO CRAP COVERED MAILBOX FLAG
Libra: I could eat a can of alphabet soup and shit a better argument than you
Scorpio: You’re an exceptional example of the need for birth control
Sagittarius: Dicknipple
Capricorn: You look a bit like Iggy Azalea
Aquarius: go fuck a cactus
Pisces: I hope you step on a lego

The signs and their dislikes

Aries: being ignored, physical restriction, being placed less than first, feeling hungry, anyone who preforms better than themselves, old things/secondhand stuff, having to wait, bland food
Taurus: being disturbed, change, lending things, being told to hurry up, sleeping in strange beds
Gemini: listening to endless complaints, regimentation, not knowing what’s going on, wasting time, being kept waiting, making irrevocable commitments, being defeated, fixed ideas, having to concentrate on only one thing for a long time
Cancer: any criticism of the home, having to handle a crisis, pressure to take part in conversation, anyone who refuses their cooking, people who forget names and dates
Leo: physical hurt, sedentary activities, being ignored, being backstage, lies and deceit, being laughed at, being told something they don’t know
Virgo: crowds and noise, vulgarity, people who whine, sitting still for a while, disrupted schedules, lids left off boxes/tops off of toothpaste, being obligated to others, hipocrisy, weakness/failure
Libra: loud arguments, confused situations, sloppiness, ugly places, being pressured to make up their mind, being told it is up to them to make a change
Scorpio: being analyzed, being asked personal questions, people who know more than they do, too many compliments, having to trust a stranger
Sagittarius: disproval from others, making promises, being too safe/secure/confined, administration, tight clothes, having their honesty doubted
Capricorn: untidiness, being teased, familiarity, surprises, new ideas, loneliness, being made to feel useless, being embarrassed in public
Aquarius: emotion and intimacy, people who show off, being taken for granted, being pinned down in any way, violence and fighting, making loans or borrowing, authority, extravagance
Pisces: bright/noisy/crowded places, dirty/ugly objects, being told to get a grip, stiff clothing, authorities, people knowing too much about him or her

reasons the signs are a disappointment to their parents

lameasstrology:

aries – you were arrested at a frat party and forced them to drive 5875268852225 miles to bail you out

taurus – you never moved out of their basement

gemini – you keep ignoring their Skype calls and avoid family reunions like the plague

cancer – you were frustrating to raise in general but you were never a disappointment really

leo – you harshly rejected all the nice people they tried to set you up with

virgo – you dropped out of med school to become a writer

libra – aren’t a disappointment just keep doing you

scorpio – you forgot to use the incognito browser/clear your search history one time and they. saw. everything.

sagittarius – you never got a job because you were to busy going on that big road trip after high school and you keep asking for money

capricorn – you were too perfect so parenting was pretty boring

aquarius – you eloped with a tattoo artist who had a shady past and an obsession with astrology

pisces – you got into the bad crowd (ie drugs) and you spend more time looking at art than for a job

astropelican:

aries is passion, fire in their veins, endless energy. they want to live forever and just experience everything, passionate about life and love and anything that holds their interest. they want to be the best at everything. they’re icarus flying too close to the sun, achilles and his power and his immortality. they’re loud and wild and they want the world, to live with childish excitement. their anger, though, is unpredictable and terrifying, like a volcano or a dragon that leave nothing behind their fury.

taurus is patience, the slow tick of the clock, lazy naps and plants and the smell of the earth after rain. they want to enjoy the pleasures of life, luxury and love and food and beauty. loyal and sensual, stubborn and traditional. stable with roots deep in the earth, they often get called materialistic for their love of beautiful things. but taurus is ruled by venus, and they long for romance before anything else, to care for someone and being loved in return. 

gemini is wit and fun, the sign of peter pan. they are unpredictable, mutable air, changing every second from a face to another. they are talkative, manipulative and fun-loving. they have a way with words, and can talk their way out of any situation. they’re brilliant, really, smart in every sense of the word. they lose interest in things quickly, but they know a bit about everything. they have this youthful appearance, a personality that gets easily excited, and they’re not really fond of routine or responsibility.

cancer is the tide, the gentle glow of the moon, the waves crashing on the shore. they feel everything deeply, even though they don’t like to show it. they are very protective of those they love. they are the rain on a cold january day, the warmness of a blanket, the touch of a lover. bossy and moody, they are wonderful friends ; cancer will care when no one else does. they can be very loving and caring, but if they don’t like you, they will make sure you know it.

leo is courage and love and generosity. leo is the sun, and rules the heart ; they are emotional and warm and need attention and affection. they give back the love they receive with surprising intensity. but they are still lions : kings of the jungle, big lazy golden cats with magnificent hair and a playful spirit. leo is sunflowers, a sunny afternoon, vibrant laughter and brilliant smiles. but they are also very dramatic, and have mean claws they will not be afraid to use.

virgo is the endless pursuit of perfection. they want to finish everything they start and do everything that has to be done. like gemini, they are ruled by mercury, and have a great ability with words. though unlike the twins, virgo is better at writing than talking. they are very observant and detail-oriented, they notice if anything, anything, is slightly out of place. they are always happy to help, if a bit nervous, and make excellent detectives. they are often stereotyped as nerdy and boring, but they have a brilliant mind and a loving heart; they just struggle to share their emotions.

libra is balance and harmony, peace and equality. but if anything disturbs the balance, they can quickly lose themselves in indecisiveness and chaos. they are the sign of peace, but that does not mean they are docile ; they have aries’ rebellious spirit and a desire to break the boundaries. like taurus, they are ruled by venus, which is evident in their romantic nature and love of beauty and art. they often excel in painting or poetry. they are a wolf in a sheep’s clothing, a flower with hidden thorns, and despite their beauty and grace, their heart can easily turn to ice. 

scorpio is death and passion and spirituality. they feel a deep connection to the underworld, to darkness and secrets and mysteries. they are secretive and intense, very observant, but unlike virgo, they analyze everyone they meet. they can be overcome by jealousy, and their feelings are always deep and overwhelming. they love with everything they have. they are impossible to forget, they will brand their name into your skin, and their words into your soul. they are vengeful and know exactly where to strike, how to hurt and create a wound that will never heal. 

sagittarius is freedom and travel and sharp intellect, honesty and a carefree personality. they are simple people, and don’t need much to be happy. optimistic and adventurous, they are allergic to responsibility. they don’t really care what anyone thinks of them. they are smart and they know it. they are hilarious, with a great sense of humor and a lively personality. contrary to popular belief, they love with surprising intensity, and as long as you don’t try to hold them down, they will love you fully.

capricorn is the ice queen. with a cold exterior, always in control, they appear to be emotionless. that couldn’t be farther from the truth. they are ambitious and hard-working, yes, but they’re hardly the cold-hearted businessman everyone paints them to be. they have a wonderful sense of humor, a brilliant mind, and often make remarkable writers. they believe you should always try and work hard to make your dreams come true. they want to succeed and will stop at nothing to get what they want. their determination is admirable, as is their creativity. like virgo, they may struggle with displays of emotions, but that doesn’t mean they don’t feel them, or the stress, or the pression to succeed.

aquarius is the mad scientist in his fucked-up lab, inventing and creating night and day. they are rebellious and creative, with a modern and bright mind. their intelligence sometimes makes them feel superior to others, and they distance themselves from society even more. aquarius want to break all the rules and create a new, better world. like capricorn, they are often mistaken as being emotionless, but they are humanitarian and suffer with the world. they have opinions on pretty much anything and will fight you on them any day. they love being unique, original, shock, stand out from the crowd. 

pisces is 3 am, vodka & psychedelic music. lou reed, kurt cobain and karen carpenter’s haunting voice. they’re wonderland, a sinking ship, lazy afternoons and heavy eyelids, a mess of feelings and obsessions. they feel everything, and are often exhausted by social interaction. they run away from responsibility, from life, from routine and obligations and reality. they’d rather not be here, and their escapism can manifest in many forms, through drugs and alcohol or creative expression. they are idealistic and awkward, romantic and mutable. 

THE SIGNS & THEIR SEASONS

Spring Signs (Aries, Taurus, Gemini): They love food. All of them. Extremely enthusiastic about food.
Summer Signs (Cancer, Leo, Virgo): Huge nature people even though they prefer being indoors.
Fall Signs (Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius): FUCKING UNPREDICTABLE. WATCH OUT.
Winter Signs (Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces): Emotional roller coasters. Or emotionless roller coasters.