The Lithuanian Butter Churn reminded me that the newer Fannibals have not seen the older crack posts. So bringing back my top 8 crack post for your enjoyment
For those that ponders such things from this post and ask the important questions. Just how big is the boot of Hannibal’s Bentley and how many butter churns can one fit in there.
Antique Lithuanian Butter Churn from here. I swear i did not go looking for this. I just googled antique butter churn and this was the first suggestion. Sometimes the crack writes itself.
BUT MARGARINE IS DISGUSTING WHY WOULD YOU PUT IT UP YOUR ASS?!
THAT LEADS TO WEIRD SMELLS AND INFECTIONS!
I feel like this needs to be a fic. A fic where Will tries to fuck Hannibal in the kitchen but all he has is Margarine. Will figures ‘what the hell’ and tries to use it.
Hannibal is aghast. Instead of a spontaneous romp over the counter, Will is treated to a 45 minute lecture on the benefits of organic non-salted butter, for cooking and fucking.
Will would have to purposely buy the margarine. I could see him doing it just so Hannibal would have a fainting spell and lecture him before throwing it away.
Will of course, rescues it for the sole purpose of lube.
Or no! He purposely gets rid of all lube products so they HAVE to fish the margarine out of the trash.
Sure they’re both gonna crosseyed after the sex but Hannibal is still gonna spend 3 hours scrubbing the stuff off him and Will.
This is Hannibal Lecter we’re talking about.
He would curl his lip slightly at Will’s margarine, march out of the house, drive to a nearby field, return with a bucket of milk, separate the cream, produce a 17th century butter churn from the trunk of the Bentley and have organic grade butter lube ready by nightfall, with enough left over to use on the scones he’ll bake fresh in the morning.
He would churn the butter shirtless to get Will all hot and bothered.
Will would be more bothered, not by the fact that Hannibal had a butter churn, but that he kept it stashed in the Bentley.
I mean…WHY WOULD HANNIBAL NEED TO SUDDENLY CHURN FUCKING BUTTER?
Then would remember, it’s Hannibal “Drama King and Show Off Extraordinaire” Lecter. What other reason is needed?
Plus shirtless Hannibal, chest fur matted and skin slightly damp and glistening…
Look who made it better!
Tell me, does Hannipenguin travel with a churn for all butter emergencies?
But seriously…why WOULD he keep a butter churn in the Bentley?
OOOOhhhhh….i see. So i get an extra ¼ of a butthole. But how would that work? Do i get to choose which 25% i want? Or is it like a time share thing and i get the butthole mondays and every alternate thursdays
Always reblog. Because of cultural interest in old Lithuanian customs, of course.
Because modern day butter churns look like this, right? (Wonder if Hannibal watched this and then decided to keep his trusted Lithuanian churn?)
Okay I’ve trying not to say it for however long this post has existed but I can’t hold back anymore.
If you’re in the market for a Lithuanian butter churn you have no further than Hannibal’s ass. Just pour some fresh cream in there and let Will pound away.
OKAY I KNOW IT’S HORRIBLE YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME I KNOW I LIVE WITH MY BRAIN ALL THE TIME
"Technically, you killed him." 